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Question of Understanding - 08/16/09:
Two corners of humanity, curiosity and imagination.
The first drives us forward, motivates us to push into the unknown - to try to understand the world around us.
The second is our perception, our concepts, but also our obstacles, our curse.

The greatest amongst us hold both these virtues in great amount.
And in so having often have the most troubles in the integration with societies mores and expectations.
Ultimately does intelligence and alienation walk hand in hand.


Out on the streets - 07/06/09:
Regret is a girl in a seat she cannot leave, speaking words you do not hear,
asking for something you can spare but falsely respond about.
She is one to be ignored or forgotten - but I cannot do either.
Who are you, why were you there that night. What was your story.
When I walked the streets alone in search of the inspiration I lost did I foolishly dismiss it with a lie.
And so you will stay with so many others - joining the chorus of memories that scar my past and direct my future.
Will your memory change me before more like you join my own personal torment, lurking on the peripheral of my thoughts.


Far Off Viewpoint? - 11/15/08:
I say distance makes the heart grow fonder not absense.
Distance provides the proper blur to perspective that close analysis cannot offer in the scientific depths of microscopic study.
Faded memories and nostalgia for events that when happening to you were far less pleasant
than what is being presented to you at a later date. Beauty may be the easiest of things to apply in this sense,
though even ideals or faith cannot hold against face to face scrutiny for long.

The closer you are to the subject the more apparent the flaws are.

The question is are we looking for these flaws, or are they just easier to see the nearer to our target we get.
The farther apart the easier to see past the imperfections. Softer remembrance, rounded edges,
fuzzy logic applied to things that otherwise are lit by the harsh fluorescent light of reality.

We all have heard the death is in the details, or to look at the big picture.
Is the simple fact that everything breaks down in the human mind to see things in the best "light"
from afar but once you get down to the nitty gritty seeing the truth to it?


Nothing to fear but... - 10/21/08:
Fear drives all the whispers in the dark. The dark is inside us all.
The unknown is what lurks there. It is something very basic, built into the deep subconscious of our being.
Therefore fear drives us all. So the question is, what do you do with your fear.
Do you let it control you and shut you down, paralyzing you in your actions.
Do you push it away and seek to conquer it and overcome it becoming a cold intellectual creature.
Or do you use your fear to drive you forward,
an instinctual presence on your journeys
that keeps you rooted in the primal soup of emotions that surge and wane like the tides.
It is said that a man with no fear cannot enjoy life.
I think I am taking the road less traveled, to embrace my fear and allow it to empower and exhilarate me.


The Farewell of Warmer Times - 10/09/08:
In passing over my threshold in the light of the early morning the world exists in shades of black and gray.
The crisp chill of autumn air forces its way across my skin and into my lungs,
filling my nose with the faint scent of damp decay.
Moisture laden stones further permeate the cold through the worn soles of my feet,
causing a numbing ache that flows up through the bones of my legs.
The warmth and joy of summer is but a memory now,
a time that moved too swiftly.
Days and nights wasted in idle practices and not savored to their fullest.
Fall is a time of regret and long thoughts to how fast our lives must move.
How many things have we put off til tomorrow when tomorrow never comes,
how many things have we never accomplished in our yesterdays.
How many summers will we mourn the passing of.


Gamer and Collector - 10/04/08:
Alright, I am online a lot and a few people I know wonder what the hell I am doing in my spare time.
Well I have to admit, I am an avid PC gamer.
And a firm supporter of indie games most specifically.
After all you would have to be since there currently is a major problem in the PC gaming marketplace.
With lack of major releases (this year especially) and companies relying on bad DRM schemes that do little
but hurt their true customers and make them feel like criminals just for wanting a game that works.

Recently I have taken to playing Zombie Smashers X3 again by Ska Software,
having enjoyed and purchased every single game they have developed so far.
I am eagerly awaiting The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai, and hope that it isn't released solely on Xbox Live Arcade though,
as I have no plan in the future towards purchasing any consoles.

As for online gaming, though I still take part on a few old school text based mu*s,
along with playing on Urban Dead, and Astro Empires.


I have taken a break from FPSing on Steam, where my two favorite games at this time are
Zombie Panic Source and Team Fortress 2. I also consider myself an avid collector of PC games,
going as far back as late eighties CRPGs in original boxes with manuals and so forth.
This of course has extended to also purchasing way too many games on my Steam account as well.

So, I finally got around to adding an RSS feed on my blog here, and updating my Facebook profile.
I was thinking of adding a count up to the cancelling of my site hosting timer,
but that might be in bad taste and result in summoning bad luck.


Watching Cars and Dirt Move - 09/22/08:
One of my friends woke me up prior to the crack of noon to go see some rallycross stuff at a dirt track about thirty minutes away.
So with generous postive ideology towards the particular scenario,
along with the fact that it would cure the current rate of boredom inhabiting my existence I came with.

The taste of dust and fumes permeate the air as amateurs, pros, and enthusiasts crash the course at variable speed.
It is already visible that in many cases the shinier the car is the more it makes up for apparent lack of driver skill.
Vehicles line up and drivers handle their steering wheels with visceral tension,
always keeping in mind they are racing against the clock and the course
- ever changing with person plowing their way across the furrows in the track.
Over time grit and smoke choke the back of your throat and eyes as a sea of Subarus stir up the ground.
Despite the large showing of Subs, several other cars including an Audi, Mitsubishi, Toyota, Hyundai,
and a few Volkswagens fill out the parade of racers.
Some cars are day to days, some made for this purpose on shakedowns for more important future dates.

Taking time away from the spectating to have a tasty beverage leads to disappointment in missing an orange Volkswagen rolling.
The driver came away fine, the car having some front end damage and a cracked windshield,
both easily fixed with some time and work due to the installed rollcage.
And so the day for one man didn't end with beating his previous course time,
but with these immortal words, "I think I bent my Wookie."


The Broken Word - 09/21/08:
I usually don't put any songs that I am working on in this format, but I think this one could be something?

How do you feel about me, if you feel at all.
How can something so big before make me feel so small.
Do the words I love you still escape your silver tongue.
Does your body shake in hope from phrases you have wrung.
 Or is it filled with resentment for all the things you said.
Spending time taking it back and avoiding it instead.

Well you've gone and won but you're a bitch for all you've done.
Built me up then tore me down and made me feel again.


The Host with the Most - 09/20/08:
Apologies once again are overdue since I haven't really updated here.
 I've been writing in an analog format due to the fact I potentially can lose hosting at any moment.
Though since it hasn't gone down the tubes yet I'll be doing a bulk update over the next couple days.


Don't Try... Just Be. - 08/28/08:
I said it once but I had no idea how true I was. Life is pain. It is better to be dead inside.
A barrier between the world and yourself based on a protective mask of untruth.
Pretend to be like them so that they can't see yourself until even you forget what you are.
Cold tightning, paralysis holding every muscle until you simply slump to the ground incapable of even thought.
Your limbs are heavy like lead and every move is labored by the draining,
 tingling feeling of everything positive escaping from your very being.
That is the result of letting someone in.
So keep them out, build your pain into a wall while you rot away inside into festering emptiness.
Become a hollow shell of what you are. What matters is what is on the surface.
Everyone is afraid of the deep end - whatever lurks in those depths after all isn't supposed to be seen by the world.
It is better to be in the shallows, safer to be shallow.
So join the masses and realize you aren't special, give up on your dreams, judge a book by its cover, and live for the status quo.
Settle. Don't take chances.
After all, who knows what might happen. The worst might happen. You might be happy. It might work out.

You might feel again.


Procrastination - 08/26/08:
It hasn't been a good month for updates. I just haven't been in the mood.
Too many things going wrong. Not enough feeling right.
Even now ideas only drip through thick layers of ambient gauzy thoughts.
Meh.


The Veneer Facade - 08/19/08:
Heart wrenching thoughts adjust your frame of mind.
Change your outlook on the world through the windows in your eyes.
Can others see in too easily?
Voyeurs on your feelings, violating your lone solace.
Or do you want them to see past the clouded misty fog that hides you away.
So crack the door in a smile to push past what is truth,
And lay out the welcome mat in a mask of lies.


Blurred Vision of the Past - 07/31/08:
Oh to long for Nepenthe's kiss.
In the future to find that bliss.
Experience teaches that in age we can find reason.
Though without memory all is lost in each season.
Everything fades with time they say.
But what things do we choose to be chased away.
No control of fleeting love or fleeting pain.
None of us know in the end what will remain.


Silently Screaming - 07/28/08:
Dramatic succession leads to depression
Repression of passion leads to aggression
Society tells you not to feel
Now you just cannot deal

Sceam at the world
Your rage is unfurled
You want to make them pay
But it is you who is locked away


A So Called Update - 07/27/08:
I can't think where to start. This past week or so has been so stressful and annoying that it not easily described.
I haven't been motivated. Distraught is the current phase of description I'm willing to make.
On top of that the newest Batman movie wasn't fantastic,
being held back in the "only good" category by Christian Bale's increasingly annoying bleeding gravel sounding Batman voice.
The late Heath Ledger's performance as Joker was very entertaining, made the movie,
and would of been a great stepping stone to further his career if it hadn't been his swan song.
Though the performance isn't as revolutionary as described by most,
Jack Nicholson's work in the 1989 movie is the superior of the two -
if you remove all other considerations like production values.

My situation with employment is that I want to move in about five months,
but for some reason some individuals at my workplace decided
that this information provided them with the right to be infuriatingly childish,
confrontational, and annoying. After all I'll be gone in several months anyways,
why not harass me until I decide to quit early.
Management as per usual is nonresponsive to employee complaints.
So I am probably going to end up leaving and getting some other work for a few months prior to my move.
Which I find unfair to my potential new employers but I am becoming
increasing unwilling to deal with things I shouldn't have to.

During my recent week or more of down time I've pretty much have not accomplished anything.
That includes my at the time regular exercise regiment, writing, selling excess possessions,
or repairing the vintage guitar I purchased.
Emotions have been running high and I feel stretched to my limit -
not exactly a conducive environment for self motivation.
All in all, the hardest part of life always is not having anyone you can honestly speak to.
But that is why I have this blog I guess.

So, I am going to try to stop feeding my shadow and get back to my life again.
The nagging voice in the back of my head... the shadow of doubt, casting its form on all I'm about...
will still be there but I'm not going to let it control me.

Consumption of life is the enjoyment of living.
Allow your senses to enjoy the flavors of life while you still can.
When there is anger and pain, and you just can't explain. Speak with your words and not your actions.
All these thoughts are tainted by reality unleashed on the unwary.


A Dabble of a Drabble - 07/23/08:
Far away from those who raced, in the shadows of those who chased.
Lies the one in darkness sought, hunted now for things he wrought.

Slumbered dreams is where he lies, hearing gentle screams of past alibis.
Forging thoughts of dread and doom, of future victims he might wound.

She flies through the dark of space, a single girl - last of her race.
In that night she searches 'round, summoning mates with her vocal sound.

How can you cry for sadness sake.
The world is not a bitter place. It is us - the bitter taste.

Tears flow like hot summer rain.
Though when you look up, above is bright again.

Not a cloud to be found in the skies.
Are they found within your eyes?


Signing off on Hancock - 07/15/08:
Hancock is an amalgum of the following ingredients, a heaping cup of humor, on a bed of action,
with a pinch of heart and artificial sugar, finish by sprinkling on the bittersweet drama.
This recipe results in a film, that while vaguely satisfying - leaves you with a lingering strange aftertaste.
The cast of the movie does well with their parts, and Will Smith's acting skill cannot be faulted.
Though the actor who most drew my attention was the once more seemingly typecast Jason Bateman.
Apparently set to be placed in the same type of roles oft made available to him since his work in Arrested Development.
Don't get me wrong, he "fits" into his character like a well worn glove.
Though I would enjoy to see him in the future having a role that is a more
of a radical departure from his normal body of work. All in all I recommend the movie, but advise to wait
until DVD release to see it, as the theatre experience would not add or retract from potential enjoyment of this film.


The Fake Rain - 07/09/08:
When all seems dreary and stretched too thin.
I take some time to look within.
Letting the fake rain fall.
It comes pouring down from above.
The white tarnished metal clouds striking down.
My curled and cliché form lying on the smooth white ground.

All hiss and rhythm and warmth.
Something so regulated so controlled so artificial.
Letting the fake rain fall.
They say to hide your tears in shame.
That for your life only you are to blame.
And so alone I leave my hurts to spiral down the drain.

It washes away the regrets and sorrow.
So I can try it all again tomorrow.

Letting the fake rain fall.


The Seasonal Sky of Urban Sprawl - 07/03/08:
The darkness of the sky reached out and filled my vision. Impossibly deep. Impossibly blue.
Nothing in the sky to block out what I have seen and could not stop staring at.
The cool wind carressed my body as the only sensation left was the feeling of my feet on the hard concrete of the city street.
Soon even that disappeared into the sky.
No sounds reached my ears but that of the breeze, no smells reached my nose but that of the flowering trees.
Everything felt lighter, easier, clearer.
For a moment I thought I was free, but looking down my form still was tethered to the ground.

It was all an illusion.


Running from trouble - 06/28/08:
I decided to take time out of every day to go for a walk, or a run.
It takes me away from the rigors of my life.
Allows me to not worry about anything but the street beneath my strides.
I listen to music and just move.
During this time my head clears and isn't cluttered with all the noise and worries that seem to fill it day after day.
Sure it has a goal, to get and stay fit - along with other physical benefits,
but even if it did none of those things I think I would still do it.
Just because it gives me time with my thoughts away from my thoughts...
unlike any other activity. Time I really need right now.


Caught in a Look - 06/22/08:
A crowded sidewalk in the city. Walking alone that night.
He moves forward without purpose and sees one who shares his path.
His eyes meet with hers and he is trapped. They are drawn to each other without knowing why.
They cannot break the gaze, they cannot escape. Hearts pound within their chest together as if one and the same.
Words have no meaning in this. Intellect was numbed by the drink of their choice.
Instinct drives their movements now. Passion is their drug.
The taste of cigarettes and cheap alcohol once passed their lips has been replaced by another flavor.


Recently had them extended, now they go all the way up. - 06/19/08:
My vision was ever drawn to them, to the rhythm of their beat.
Their supple flexing movements, pulled forward by her feet.
She might be walking by me, but they linger in my mind.
Striding up to me they move, and to my own intertwined.
One was raised once we kissed, then lowered to the ground.
Deeper still in passions embrace, my waist they did surround.
My thoughts were gone in that moment. When I saw them no longer near.
My eyes did mourn their passing. But found comfort in her rear.


The Eve of Diffidence - 06/11/08:
Her back is turned to me, on that warm spring night. Scented blossoms float on the breeze, shown by the pale moon light.
The sultry air flowed past us both, tugging on our clothes. Back I stay and alone she remains, until words I do compose.
Though radiant the sky tonight, I cannot see her face. Where her eyes are studying, while standing in silent grace.
So beautiful is this vision, instead I turn away. Though if my voice when spoken, the feelings would allay.
Tomorrow I will find her, in a less compelling scene. When I am more sure of myself, and she is less a dream.


Jonesin' For a Good Movie - 06/09/08:
So I went to see the Indiana Jones movie over a week ago and was pretty disappointed.
It honestly took that long to narrow down the main cause of my disappointment.
While the special effects contributed and the basic plot involving aliens didn't help...
I think my primary reason for disliking the movie is that the script was obviously attempting
to capture some sort of formulaic success of the previous films and failed.
The cynical scientific adventurer we all knew and loved has become too instantly swayed,
behavioral aspects and props are introduced in the script but never used to their full potential,
pointless scenes that could of been used elsewhere are wasted in pumping
up an already legendary figure in American cinema, my list could go on and on.
But I will spare you the continuing gory eviseration of this film by my written word.
I am still hoping for another good summer film, because I didn't find one here.


Depleting Resources - 05/31/08:
I have to go about and sell my excess belongings
(specifically things I don't use anymore that lurk in storage gathering dust).
There are many ways I can go about this but in all honesty,
I feel like I am procrastinating in the actual task. As such, I am going to devote this weekend to cataloging
what I am going to sell with digital photography and place them up where I need to.
The reason for getting rid of them is relatively simple, I am going to move in several months,
I don't want to have to take extra crap with me, and could use the money to assist in said previous endeavour.
So, potentially look for some links or maybe even a shop here onsite in the future to buy my crap!


Stranger in the Mirror - 05/28/08:
So, after much consideration and influence from friends, I decided to shave off my mustache.
The deed was done on Saturday and the first two things I noticed was:
my upper lip felt cooler, and I didn't recognize myself.
Understand that I've had my mustache since high school,
that would be over ten years of my life.
So it was very hard to commit to a decision to change.
After doing it I think it was a good choice though.
It no longer fits in with who I want to be anymore, and with the other things I am
working on in my life it helps to have an immediate physical reminder of my goals.


Cooking up Trouble - 05/21/08:
Been over a week since I posted to the blog, so I decided to I should write something to stay in the habit.
Today I made what I consider one of my signature creations, a gingerbread cheesecake.
I only make it once a year or so because of the nature of the beast. It is nearly irresistible,
and I have the tendency to want to consume my whole creation personally instead of sharing it with family and friends.
With this in mind I went about this creation much like going to war with temptation
(once more unto the breach, dear friends) due to a long standing promise to ship one to Tia.
Unfortunately I waved the white flag, surrendered to the superior foe,
and decided to make two cheesecakes, and keep one for myself.
So, I will be shipping one off, and as for the one I am keeping for myself...

Hopefully I will manage not to eat the whole thing within a couple days and instead share it.



Warning: Speed Racer Review Follows - 05/11/08:
Upon entering the theatre to watch the Speed Racer film I admit my expectations were low.
To the level of my expectations being full fledged rectal violations of my childhood memories
in regards to at that time many year old reruns of a cartoon series. So, in that direction,
I was actually pleasantly surprised.
While the films ridiculously overly brilliant colors blinded me along with too fast to follow action,
(obviously to cater to the children whose parents are dragging them to or actually want to see this movie)
all carried along by a complex plot, (though at times as made as blatantly obvious
as being hit in the face with a frying pan through unnecessary flashbacks or
having characters literally spell things out for you through tirades) it was joyful to see.

 That fact brought to my attention that watching the movie made me feel like a kid again in some manner,
and made me appreciate more that I'm an adult now and can make better decisions than
spending nine dollars on a big pile of candy, or a movie such as this.
Humor was juvenile, aimed at the core audience I gather.
The emotional scenes felt forced, except when Susan Sarandon was involved
(I can't fault her acting given the material she had to work with). 

I do applaud the Wachowski Brothers for producing a film that accurately represents the phenomenon of the
original Speed Racer cartoon series. Well, more of a golf clap, since it perhaps was too accurate.
Some things should remain in the past so that our fuzzy memories can look on them with kindness,
instead of being exhumed, brought into the cold harsh fluorescent light of reality to be
autopsied and identified by us in the sterile morgue of our post-childhood lives.

In all this I mildly recommend the movie to general audience since it does have its moments,
I highly recommend it for Speed Racer fans who are able to see past the moments that cater
specifically to children. Would consider it in the category of family film specifically designed
to bridge the generational gap and provide adults something they can actually talk about with their spawn.


Stuff, film, and entertainment. - 05/09/08:
I haven't found much time in the past week and a half or so in order to write on my blog,
been quite busy reorganizing and managing my finances, that along with my regular regiment of work,
fun, and exercise pretty much stole away most of my free time.
Regardless I did get a chance to see Iron Man, and I highly recommend it to everyone.
Regardless of being a fan of the comic book series, the movie was quite compelling
and driven by Robert Downey Jr.'s performance. His portrayal of a sarcastic billionaire playboy
turned moral concerned citizen turned hero is actually believable, driven by the story,
 and well done. I could of done without the non-linear storytelling at the beginning of the film during the introduction,
but understand the director's choice in doing it that way in order to draw in the crowd with an
action filled scene that relates to modern day scenarios.  Tonight I would like to go to Speed Racer,
unfortunately I believe I will be unable to go see it until Saturday or Sunday due to work schedule.

Note: I have spent all my time ignoring all reviews and information about this movie as a favor
to a friend in order to have a clean palate when seeing it so as to have comparative reviews
- I think it will be painful to watch.
- She thinks it will be awesome.


An unexamined life is unfulfilling. - 04/28/08:
I've said this a few times when talking to friends in discussions
about what we have done, or will do, and time misspent.
When I look at my life it can be summed up by two words. Wasted potential.
As I sit here now infront of my computer terminal tapping away at my keys,
I have pursued many goals and abandoned an equal amount.
I have ideas, thoughts, feelings that I gather together into plans that I express to those around me
but never put forth the effort to make reality. But when I do let loose creativity,
it flows from me without the hard edge found in planning. It lurks just under the surface,
always ready but never knowing when it will emerge. What will trigger it I never know.
But when it arrives I become possessed.
Words spill from my fingertips like a downpour of cold rain on a sunbaked droughted land.
Just the simple act of transmitting information created from the depths of my thoughts to any format,
be it text, music, art, or culinary creation brings me a joy and pleasure
that I thought I could never obtain in any other way.
How wrong I was.
Creation itself is empty without anyone to share it with.


Silent Measure of Breaths - 04/27/08:
Late at night, or early morn when I drift away.
She is there behind my lids wanting me to stay.

Her phantom form sleeps beside me in my empty bed.
Soothing hands touch my heart, though only in my head.

How can you miss someone that you have never met.
Or hold onto a love inside that you cannot forget.

My fantasy becomes my reality, because you make me feel.
Dream girl when I close my eyes, you can make it real.

And at night, when she slips from soothing lullabies.
Am I the dream thats waiting behind the closing of her eyes.

Though the distance between us will never have us near.
She knows I am with her, to wipe away each tear.

I know that she is out there, somewhere in the dark.
Kindling the same heat that I feel out of a small spark.

My fantasy becomes my reality, because you make me feel.
Dream girl when I close my eyes, you can make it real.


On going out of town... - 04/22/08:
I went out of town to Milwaukee last Saturday and Sunday for a long time friend of  family's wedding.
I made a promise months ago to attend, and I like to be able to say that any promise I make I will endeavor to keep at all costs.
The drive itself was about three hours to the south side of the city, Cudahy region specifically, to watch a
short twenty five minute ceremony. The priest actually was quite funny, mouthing things to the bride and groom quietly
to make them smile and reduce their tension. I am not myself a religious person and found that in visiting a church again
after many years brought back accurate memories of being at best uncomfortable.

After the ceremony it was off to the hotel to check in and proceed to the reception
where between the open bar and my family I spent seven hours of drinking captain and cokes.
The reception passed by as a blur between conversations and alcohol consumption.
The finale was a near-drunk trip to Kopp's Frozen Custard where I consumed
a double cheeseburger with the works that was the size of a dinner plate and a blue moon shake.
It was conviently located one building over from my hotel, (the hotel was a Super 8 which I do not recommend to anyone,
I'll put up a pic and link to a review of my stay when I have time) and brought back good memories
of my childhood when my parents  would load us kids into the stationwagon for special occasions
to get us those cool burgers that were the size of our heads...

Waking up in the morning with a massive hangover I traveled to a local Caribou Coffee chain shop for rehydration and filled myself with a small mocha, and two bottled fruit smoothies, (one citrus vitamin C blend, and one blueberry vitamin B blend) and a low-fat cranberry orange scone. Then proceeded to drive for two hours back home in the bright eyewatering sunshine.Overall the trip wasn't bad, allowed me to reconnect with favorite cousin, aunt, and uncle, and visit a city that I honestly haven't seen much since my youth.


The Art of MacGyvering. - 04/14/08:
I like to take spare parts and stuff lying around and make something functional out of it.
Also in that I also like to take things apart,
break those things down in to base components and find out how they work,
and this leaves me with many spare parts to work with.
It is probably why I enjoy building my own computers so much,
easy to cannibalize an old compy and create something new and shiny from any bits and pieces available.
Of course this also results in me creating strange things like my coffee table which was made from a
21-Inch Barco Portrait CRT Medical Monitor along with cut plexiglass and epoxy.

As of yet it is unfinished as I am working on the metal framing to better support the plexiglass, but I really like the way it turned out.
Anyway, my current side project is doing a build to replace my current gaming/general use computer to a new tower.
I keep delaying my work on it for some reason even though I only need to get some RAM,
video & sound cards, and drives for it to be finished.


How my old computer looks in the dark after I finished building it, been told it looks like a robot head.


The new computer I'm building, still have some work on the modding the case in addition to needed components.


The Ballad of Vath-Phone. - 04/08/08:
My cellphone has a history and legend behind it, it is as unique as the red phone in the Oval Office,
or the Bat Phone located in Commissioner Gordon's Office.
It is how Vathras reaches his contacts and how they in turn reach him.
At one time it was undamaged, new, fancy, and wonderful.
It even had an alarm clock application which is good because Vathras likes to sleep in too much.
Over time the exterior liquid crystal display cracked a little from being dropped repeatedly,
and its belt clip broke (as well as the one that replaced it).
Now its original antenna has mysteriously vanished into the ether and its battery is giving its final breath.
(Don't worry, I keep it on life support and monitor it, hoping that it will pull through.)
But yet the Vath-Phone lives on.
A little scrubbing of the battery's contacts with a file revived its charging capacity for now.
And inspiration gave the phone a new wonderous antenna that can also be used to remove small screws.
Sure, I could replace the cell quite easily, but that would take excess motivational energy and perhaps money.

Both of which I lack in vast quantities.



Where the hell did I leave my compass? - 04/07/08:
I feel like I'm being torn in many directions by all my aspirations and projects.
I'm at a place in my life where I have ideas, hopes, dreams,
and not enough time in the day to accomplish all my goals taking into account my usual lack of personal motivation.

I want to do everything, see everything, enjoy everything.
But cannot due to standard restraints like work which is required to support basic function of living.
Supplimenting to my projects, just the maintenance of my normal life seems to add additional obstacles in my path to overcome,
like having to replace a roommate or move, continuously looking for a better job without actually searching,
conflicts with friends at work who are inferior in comparative ability but superior in title,
attempting to startup a business from scratch,
along with making sure I continue to eat healthy and seek once in a while the dreaded exercise.

There is no quick fix, just a rocky overgrown to the point of being claustrophobic trail through a dark forest
that requires hard work and perseverance to reach the other side of.
If only there was a cavalry to call in that could napalm the whole forest and make my job easier.
Or even a native guide that upon hiring could walk me through it all easily without waiting
until I fall asleep to steal my equipment and food leaving me to die.

And I think I've strangled that metaphor for all of its lunch money.


New look, new hope for content? - 04/06/08:
As you can see I finally think I found a layout and look for this site that I like.
Now, amongst my practicing my horribly rusty drawing in hopes of eventually doing a webcomic,
working on novels and movie scripts, trying to startup a business,
and attemping to gather together people to form a band...
I can find time to spew more information into the blogosphere or dribble droplets of florid prose and poem.


Don't Say "Good" Morning - 04/05/08:
Dawn crawls its slow languid pace up and over the edge of the horizon.
Like an inebriated man dragging his unresponsive body up that final step to his door.

It stalks the tired and unwary people of the night; greets those whom live unhindered in the light.
Though some say it gives the world life all it seems to do is hurt my eyes.


Delusional thoughts of my new band... - 01/18/08:
Those who know me realize I will never give up my potential dream of being the lead singer of a band.
In this light I have another new band name, "Unclaimed Baggage".
Already working on writing several songs for our first album despite the fact I am missing other members of the band.
Two songs that are already partially done, "Necrophilia Baby", and "She's the Animal... I'm the Freak"
still need more than a base musical score to them (plus probably tinkering with lyrics).
Hard to decide what will be on our first single - I'm leaning towards Necrophilia Baby,
it has the beat and flavor of Type O Negative but with lyrics reminiscent of Frank Zappa.


Can't Stand One Night - 11/30/07:
They sit alone apart from themselves, vices in hands; touching lips.
The same thing a different place.
Smoke and liquor is their fear and lust. Drinking deep from unquenching reserves and driving themselves from one night to another.
Each one, each time filled with hope and expectations. Finding neither in a single moment of what they think is joy or love or romance, instead being crushed and compacted into a single moment of despair, desperation, and loneliness.
All of them are fake.
Though they used to be real they threw it all away to simply dream of a fleeting moment of contact with another.


A Third Degree Burn of the Heart - 11/28/07:
True attraction is numbness, it flows from the back of your skull, triggered in your gaze, moving through your body, touching your soul.

It freezes you as you glance into the eyes of a stranger. You can't move or speak yet you do, pushed and pulled by instinct and intellect - it lingers where it starts... festering til your very being burns in uncontrolled fever.

You have to do something lest it kill you or consume you, to let yourself be controlled by lust is to consumed by its flames.